last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
