Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I want her autograph on my taint
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
