it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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