it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
she told me i tasted like america
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
