I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
