The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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