You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
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like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
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I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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