i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Randomize
