Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
