I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
