Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I cannot find my penis.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
