somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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