Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
