Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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