Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
