I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
