So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
