dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
