I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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