dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
