So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
