Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
