he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
