She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
