The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
