I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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