goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
