We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
