come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
