Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
