We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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