she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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