Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
