Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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