My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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