I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Pants are for mortals
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
