I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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