I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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