Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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