why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
