I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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