you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
