So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
