Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
