ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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