my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
