I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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