At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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