You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
