My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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