at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
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