11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
