I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
