Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
