Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
