is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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