Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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