My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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