Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
